I'm in my mid 50s, live in Pennsylvania, and have worked as a software engineer for most of my adult life. I like browsing the web, reading, hiking, and music. I was married for many years and raised three daughters. 

I'm also a paedophile. My strongest attraction is to girls as young as 4. I'm also attracted to older females, though the attraction drops off sharply above age 30. I'm very fortunate in this regard, because I've been able to form loving relationships with adult women. This wider range of attraction also let me deny the reality of my paedophilia until I was about 50. 

In retrospect, there were many signs that the heart of my attraction was to the very young. I always had an especially soft spot in my heart for young girls, though I didn't have much to do with them. After I became a parent, I of course had a special parental bond with my daughters. I never have felt any romantic or sexual attraction to them. I believe this is an anti-incest mechanism that is common among men. There was no need to control sexual feelings; the feelings just were not there. 

I felt an interest in the other girls that was different in kind from what I felt towards my own daughters. It was vaguely romantic. I explained away the attraction in various ways. I told myself that it was just an especially strong dose of the natural adult affection for children. I told myself that my lack of similar affection for boys was because they're usually loud, competitive, and not 'relational'. I told myself it was just a curiosity and wasn't important. I was unaware that there was a sexual component to the attraction --while strong it was just romantic. I think I suppressed sexual feelings for young girls because I know that sexual activity between children and adults is wrong, and society disapproves so strongly. My sexual energies focused on the young women I tried to build relationships with. 

Then I realized that if someone waved a magic wand and made it so a young girl would truly want to be sexual with me, and if her parents and the rest of the world agreed, and if it would not hurt her in the future -- in that case, it was a prospect that aroused me more than adult women ever could. I understand that this is all hypothetical, that many children are harmed as a result of having sexual contact with adults and that such conduct is wrong. Since that realization, however, my paedophilic identity has become more and more important to me. I understand that I can't actualize that attraction with real girls for a variety of reasons, most importantly that I could never be sure the relationship wouldn't end up seriously hurting the girl. 

I'm fortunate to have a therapist I can discuss my paedophilia with. But not one other person in my life knows of my attraction. Although I've never had sexual contact with a child and never will, I could lose all my friends and social supports if anyone found out. The need for secrecy weighs on me. My heart goes out to other paedophiles who have it much worse: those who feel that their thoughts alone make them evil, and those who are not attracted to anyone they can form a real relationship with. I'm hoping that in creating Virtuous Paedophiles, Nick and I can make life easier for other celibate paedophiles. I hope we can provide a place where we can share our stories and support each other. And I hope we can let the world know that many paedophiles are harmless and deserve compassion instead of hatred.